Needy… Why is it that, for as long as I remember, I have to be so needy, so vulnerable? I can only remember less that a year ago, but still… My first words to Edna after she found me on her back porch… I was a scared little girl, afraid of just about everything. And I don’t know what I would have done otherwise; Edna’s happy remembering was absolutely necessary for me to start putting my life back together. And I came back to life to protect Edna, then she died… I had to start all over, without anyone else…

Well, Delores is a such good friend, and she and her family helped me more than she will ever know. I have so appreciated her help and at some crucial times, too. And a number of Edna’s other friends; Edna must have asked them to help watch out for me. I absolutely needed that, need them…

And those horrible salesmorons… It just does not matter to them that I am already so broken, so helpless, so hurting inside. They all seem intent on crushing me even more, and taking away what I can never get back. It is like they just don’t care… I never get a break from that, from them; these evil men are always on the prowl, waiting to find an opportunity. They absolutely know I am always stretched to the limit, fighting for each breath it seems… And they hope for just the one slip from me to get… no, to brutally take what they want… That is just so horribly wrong…

But that’s just it… Why am I so needy like that? Why am I just so vulnerable, so unable to take care of myself? Those salesmorons would have already, what did Edna say, gotten a piece of me, taken away what nobody could give back, unless the Sheriff was not right there, and with those gun things, too. Sometimes, I just want to relax. But I can’t, not with them lurking…

And that tune in the background(2) doesn’t help at all. Doleful, that’s what it is… That tune feels… just like that huge pile of pain and failures I have tried to push away… I try and ignore it, and that manages to just shove it into the background a little more, with everything else, but… When things are the hardest, it seems like that tune just blares…

And my stupid head… If I even move wrong, or bend over too fast… Even trying to do good things, helping, serving customers, my head rewards me with more pain. And my head won’t even let me cry out any of my pain inside; I have to tuck everything carefully away, building this huge, flimsy mountain of pain just inches…

I don’t think I will make it to 98 like Edna did… And she had Ed for many years, too… Like that will ever happen to me…

————————-

1. Maude: Beginnings is copyright 2017 by Shysage.

2. “Faded Memories” background music for the “Empty” areas of the “Chains of Promethia” expansion for FFXI, copyright by Square Enix.

 

 

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