I woke up that next morning, friday morning, already crying. I knew what I had to do. As I worked through writing about Edna dying, I realized that, at that point, I just didn’t have the ability to sense… I should have seen her death coming a lot better. But I just wasn’t that far along yet. It hit me hard, and I tried to capture all that in the journal entry about losing Edna. Well, I wasn’t the only one who lost a very dear friend. Edna had a lot of friends in this little town, maybe most of the town. And, from what I have heard since then, Edna had gone out of her way, and sacrificed, just to be able to help so many that lived here. When she died, I was heart-broken. But I began to realize that a lot of the town was too. That wound would probably only heal slowly for all of us.

The days surrounding the day she died, I was a total wreck. I was so thankful for Delores helping me through all that. I cried almost constantly for days on end, it seemed like. Having Delores near, on and off, along with a few of Edna’s other friends, this was all a huge help to me. I am not sure I realized it at the time though.

By lunch time as I tried to record all this, well around noon, I was hungry on top of crying as quietly as my head would let me. I stopped and ate. It was not so freezing cold outside, so I sat on the porch in weak sunshine, while I finished my burger, then I just looked off into the distance. Losing Edna was a tragic blow to me. But starting the Diner back up, Edna’s dying wish it seemed, that was just as excruciating for me. I realized from that, I should probably make two separate journal entries. When I finally got back up and inside, sitting in front of the monstrous dinosaur, that is what I did. I finished the journal about Edna’s death, then started another. I cried a lot as I worked through my first week back at the Diner, without Edna. I felt like a scared little girl again, and was sure that everything I did reflected that. I really was starting over… again… It was just hard. And again, I was so glad for the help of Delores and a few other ladies that first day or two. There was no putting off however… I ultimately had to do everything by myself.

And I think, towards the end of that first week after Edna died, I began to sense the growing price I was paying to even be able to function. That feeling just slowly grew. With each passing day, I realized I would not be able to do that forever. Sooner or later…

And it was natural to do the next journal entry that same day. This one was about the weeks that followed, as I continued to get a little better running the Diner solo, a little better at bumping pain just inches away, and involved a lot of the same feelings. Something would pop up, hurt, then I would need to shove it away at arm’s length with everything else. I couldn’t stop any of that. But I think I was doing a little better because I was getting a little better at shoving stuff away, if only a little. We needed the heater; that scary episode couldn’t be helped. And I didn’t ask for any of this, especially being attacked by four salesmorons on two consecutive nights. I think Edna asked the Sheriff to keep an eye out for me. I was really thankful for that.

Well, it was dark outside, but I decided to do the next heart-rending journal entry that same day. I was already tired; my legs hurt, my fingers hurt, but… I just wanted to be through with my journal entries about the most harrowing few weeks of my life, that I could remember anyway, which… wasn’t very long, I guess. Maybe I hoped it would get better from here.

That last week before christmas… Well, aside from being blatantly touched, no felt, by another vile salesmoron, that week seemed ‘normal’ enough, which meant that I did fairly well at holding stuff just out of feeling range. And, the realization that even those vile salesmorons had family to go home to… Honestly, I was just not looking forward to over a week at my house, alone, by myself, with nothing. That really did weigh heavily on me as that vacation time (this week) approached. Delores and her family would help with that, but still.

Four journal entries in one day… I thought about asking Kasey if that was too much, I don’t know. I did realize the next few entries would be about christmas with Delores’ family. That would be fun to write.

But doing those four entries, I was so tired. After saving everything, turning the lights off, and climbing in bed… I also felt so empty. There was just nothing I could do about empty though, except… shove it bearably away with everything else…

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1. Maude: Beginnings is copyright 2017 by Shysage.

 

 

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